The Supporter Parenting Role: The “Boredom Problem” Example

Child: “I’m bored. There’s nothing to do.” Potential parent responses: “What do you mean you’re bored and there’s nothing to do? You can help me fold the laundry, play with your sister, or read.” “I buy you all of these toys, and you just ignore them.” “When I was your age, I played outside. You should do that.” These parent responses are examples of communication blocks, and they usually upset the child because the parent is trying to fix a problem that isn’t theirs to fix. Your child is making a complaint and needs to find their own solution. Therefore, when you respond sarcastically, give advice, moralize, or engage in me-tooism (talk about your experience as being more important  to the moment at hand), they feel hurt rather than helped. Your unintended  ...

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Parent-Child Problem Solving Together Requires Flexible Thinking

Imagine you are having a conflict with your child because he won’t do his homework. You’re in a deadlock because you are determined to change your child, and your child is determined to resist your pushing. Behind your determination are beliefs that it is his homework and he needs to be responsible for getting it done. You are also thinking that you shouldn’t have to nag him and that he could do it if he would only try harder. Because of your inflexible and judgmental perspective, your child builds walls and barriers to any possibility of solving problems together. Mary and Bob held a ‘we’re right and you’re wrong’ adversarial position with their daughter who struggled with homework. They judged her with questions and statements like, “Why won’t you let us...

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Parent Success Stories in the Director Role

Parents chose the director role when they want their children to do something that they don’t want to do. Examples are chores, homework, and getting ready for bed. Read the chapter, Choose Your Parental Role: Director, Collaborator,or Supporter to understand more about the choice process. Work With Your Child to Build Cooperation and Better Behavior My son is 9 years old and loves to argue with me. He wants to challenge and disagree with everything I say. For example, if I tell him not to lean on the rope in the water, he’ll lean on it just to let me know who’s boss. I came to Cynthia for help because using time-outs and taking things away weren’t working and made our relationship worse. Cynthia suggested that I work with Jack’s nature. She said that kids...

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Introduction to Ally Parenting by Cynthia Klein

Do you have a child who ignores you when you give directions, or argues with you like an attorney trying to change your mind, or refuses to talk to you other than with a few words or grunts? If you do, then Ally Parenting – Transform Conflict into Cooperation as Your Child’s Ally, Not Their Adversary is for you. Each of these challenges creates a painful wall between you and your child that can melt away with an Ally Parenting approach. Ally Parenting is the synthesis of twenty-two years of teaching parents through private parenting consultations, classes, and speaking engagements. Each chapter is an answer to questions parents have asked about how to get more cooperation from their children, or how to make them more responsible, or how to get their child to talk...

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Table of Contents

Ally Parenting: A Non-Adversarial Approach to Transform Conflict Into Cooperation By Cynthia Klein   Table of Contents Introduction to Ally Parenting ……1 How to Use This Book: A Quick-Start Approach ……7 The Step-by-Step Solutions Guide ……11 Section 1 –The Ally Parenting Approach – Your Parenting Role 1. Ask the Right Questions to Find the Right Parenting Solutions ……33 2. Are You an Ally or an Adversary? ……37 3. The Adversary to Ally Transformation Process ……41 4. Self-Knowledge Is the First Step Toward Change ……..47 5. Soft Power Creates Cooperation, Not Conflict ……53 6. Child Rearing: An Opportunity for Personal Growth ……59 7. Your...

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How to Melt the Wall Between Mothers and Daughters

The mother-daughter relationship is particularly challenging because both sides desire and value emotional connection, whether it’s negative or positive. Because of this deep desire, when circumstances erode the emotional connection, both parties feel hurt and can resort to unhelpful language and actions that further the divide. However, even after a wall has developed, I have guided many mothers with daughters ages 8 to 18 through the process of melting the wall. The length of time required to melt the wall depends on how deep the divide between mother and daughter has become. The good news is that your perseverance can create a reconnection. Some walls are thin. With these walls, as soon as you start the reconnection process, which I will discuss below, you can...

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